


Two Men (a Woman, a Raccoon, a Tree), and a Baby

by jercydee



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Attempt at Humor, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Comedy, Crack, Drabble, Ficlet, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Kid Fic, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Science Fiction, Vignette, asgardians of the galaxy - Freeform, asguardians of the galaxy, wildly incorrect locations/names/things bc i did this in roughly an hour aksdjflas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-26 21:33:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18725407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jercydee/pseuds/jercydee
Summary: SPOILER ALERT: SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS: ENDGAME. TAKES PLACE AFTER THE MOVIE ENDS.Thor’s a baby.Thor Odinson.Asgardian god.Heir to the throne.Afuckingbaby.Rocket isn't good around babies. The rest of the Guardians aren't much better.Rated for Rocket's slight potty mouth. Don't pay attention to the names of locations/things/etc because I assure you they are probably not appropriate for whatever mission the Guardians are on  /o\





	Two Men (a Woman, a Raccoon, a Tree), and a Baby

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DYlogger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DYlogger/gifts).



> I got inspired by [DYlogger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DYlogger/)'s adorable card game. [I drew "Crack!", "Sci Fi", and "Kidfic"](https://www.instagram.com/p/BxDbTN3gEac/) and thought, _I could make a play out of this_. This fic is what ended up happening ;p
> 
> No real rhyme or reason for Thor being a baby—just _fwip!_ he's a child now and the Asgardians of the Galaxy gotta deal with it lol.
> 
> Un-beta'd because I literally did this in the middle of GradEx/an art exhibition in about an hour. Title is a _highly_ bastardized interpretation of Three Men & A Baby /o\

Thor’s a baby.

Thor Odinson.

Asgardian god.

Heir to the throne.

A _fucking_ baby.

“ _Why_ is he a baby?” Rocket groans.

“I am Groot.” _Beats me._

Quill sighs, slapping a palm over his face. “Must have been when we did that pick up at Knowhere.” He glares at Thor. “Now we’re stuck with him like this for god knows how long.”

Drax is holding Thor in his arms because somehow he is the only one with any sort of experience with children. He looks a little uncomfortable but Thor seems otherwise content to be held. He has a blond mop of curls atop his head and no teeth. He’s also swaddled in his cape, with a make shift diaper made out of one of Quill’s old shirts. Rocket doesn’t know where the rest of his clothes are, but there’s no way a kid could fit into that gigantic size anyway. They’ll need to find him something to wear.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve held a child,” Drax says softly. “Even stranger that I’m holding pirate angel man in my arms.”

“As long as the brat doesn’t come near me, it’s fine,” Rocket pipes up.

“I am Groot.” _Can I hold him?_

“No.”

Mantis peers over Drax’s bicep with curiosity. With a gentle hand, she caresses Thor’s cheek.

“He is happy,” she says.

“I don’t suppose he can tell you how to go back to normal?” Rocket tries.

Mantis shakes her head. “He is not yet mature enough to develop complex emotions and thoughts. And I don’t know if I _can_  do that, Rocket.”

“Christ.” He shakes his head before looking at Quill. “You sure that this isn’t a permanent situation then?”

Quill shrugs. “Happened once when I was on Yondu’s ship. Kraglin turned back after a few weeks.”

“ _Weeks?!_ ” Rocket rubs his face.

“I believe Quill is correct,” Mantis answers instead. “After we left Knowhere, I saw him sneak away and heard that—”

“ _Mantis!_ ” Quill yells. With a panicked look, he is very obviously trying to tell Mantis to shut up, but why?

Unless...

Rocket slowly turns his attention back to their so-called “leader”, apparently better known as the biggest pain in his ass.

_That fucker!_

He growls. “You said not to make any deals with – !”

“I am Groot.” _Oh, jeez._

He lungs after Quill.

The whole “Thor is a baby” problem becomes less of a pressing issue after that.

* * *

They’re on Korbin in the middle of a delivery when things go sideways.

“ _Groot!_ ” Rocket calls as he blasts off another furball off him. He doesn’t know what these things even are but they have sharp teeth and they _bite_. That’s more than enough for him to start shooting them. “ _Some help, please!_ ”

“I am Groot.” _On it!_

Groot extends his arm to slap away the hoard of furry creatures off of him, and Rocket begins to sprint away.

“Back on the ship!” Quill yells, shooting one off his shoulder. “Now!”

Drax, Mantis, and Groot begin to run onboard, Quill sliding in right behind them. Rocket’s just about to hop on when something catches his eye.

Shit.

Thor is about six feet from the ship, crawling to reach for the hoard of furballs trampling for him.

“Thor!” he shouts.

Thor turns around to sit on his bottom, smiling a gummy grin at him.

Rocket yells into the ship, “ _Someone get the kid!_ ”

Drax sprints off the ramp, and in a few steps he scoops Thor into his arms before returning to the ship.

“Who let Thor out?!” Quill yells from the front.

“I don’t know!” Rocket replies. “I thought the kid was strapped in before we left?”

“I believe that was your responsibility this time, Rocket,” Mantis says, bundling Thor into his cape.

Fuck.

Maybe it was, but he’s not going to admit that.

“No, it wasn’t!” he snaps. “I did it last time!”

“No, it was me last time,” Drax says.

“I am Groot.” _It was definitely your turn._

It’s a whirlwind before they’re up in the air and settled in (and yeah, whatever, it was his turn to make sure Thor was in his baby cage while they did their job, and everyone chewed him out for it), but their delivery’s done and Quill got the notice for their pay so Rocket doesn’t care.

* * *

He wakes up one night to take a piss. Once he’s done his business, he realizes that Thor’s not in his crib anymore.

(The crib is just spare parts they found around the ship loaded with even more spare clothing left behind by Quill’s— _er_ —conquests. It’s probably not good for a doll—much less an actual baby—but hey Rocket was able to slap together a makeshift baby bed so that’s gotta count for something, right?)

He pads around the ship in silence so he doesn’t wake up the others (Groot is especially cranky when he’s woken up), quietly calling out, “ _Thor?_ Hey, Thor? Where are ya, kid?”

Rocket gets to the cockpit when he finds them.

“I don’t know where she is,” Quill whispers. Rocket sees Thor sitting on his lap, a fist stuffed into his mouth. “I know she’s not really _my_ Gamora, but—”

Quill breathes a heavy sigh.

“I still miss her.”

Rocket watches in silence for a few moments before heading back to bed.

* * *

“I would apologize for inconveniencing you but it was technically Quill’s fault it happened at all.”

“Oh, buzz off, would you.”

“He is correct, though, Quill.”

“It was your fault.”

“Sure was.”

“I am Groot.”

“Okay! I got it! _Sorry!_ Now can we just pretend it didn’t happen? Thor is an adult again and safe and—”

“ _Incoming!_ ”

“Who is it, Rocket?”

“Don’t know, but they’re coming from the side and it’s killing our defenses.”

“We’ll continue this talk later.”

“Yeah, whatever, Mr. Lord of Thunder—just get shooting!”

“It’s _God_ of Thunder.”

“ _Just shoot!_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos give me life and comments will be handed a cookie<3
> 
> [Thesis Blog](https://jercythesiscrying2018.tumblr.com) / []()Rebloggable version of this fic (TBA)  
> [Main Blog](http://striveattemptfail.tumblr.com)


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